Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Cardio Made Easy
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
The two types of wives
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF