Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook