I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Never be a pizza!
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?