A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I’d hang this in my house.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.