Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Bring back the McRib
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
no their not
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices