I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Battery falling down a hole
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
That 👊
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend