Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
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Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
This is not me but this is me
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?