After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.