9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that