Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.