The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Baking is just science you can eat.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*