My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Just why bro?!
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.