me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.