flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Mornin
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee