Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.