You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
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8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
“Huge”.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast