By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Happy Febuary everyone!