[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
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[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Sooo many times…..
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
lmfao come on
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.