Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby