The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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hi why am I like this
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I falcon love using swear birds
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.