What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
the greatest twitter interaction
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I already tried new things thanks.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up