I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.