cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
You Might Also Like
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?