Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
when the buffet is more honest than your date
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.