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Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks