ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.