“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us