I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
You Might Also Like
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.