I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
how to have an accident 101
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.