Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.