[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
getting old is fun
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing