In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
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As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
welp
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
This is my favorite one of these!
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.