I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
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Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess