Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Oh. My. God.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?