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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
From my Mom
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
6: are snakes just neck?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.