“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh