Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
me as a parent
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Smile they said.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!