In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us