[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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This is a bad sign
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.