If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.