Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
You Might Also Like
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
This a good idea
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what