something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
<- sleeps well with others
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.