Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf