At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”