Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*