The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
God making man in his image was the original selfie
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.