Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.