Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.