sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
How does one answer this?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
sir, my pâté if you please
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.