Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*